The Anti-Resume

I was recently told, in order to get an interview, I had to submit a resume, just following the Memorial Day Weekend. I did not do this. It may have cost me a job, but it got me to thinking, what on earth would they have learned from a one-page resume that was NOT on the stupid job application? So, then I began thinking about how much better off potential employers would be if they researched a potential employee's ANTI-RESUME. This document would include ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ON THE JOB.

So here goes:

Sharon S. Graham
ANTI-RESUME OF QUALIFICATIONS

College:

Graduated Cum Laude from the University of S. Florida. Cheated? NO Cheated upon? YES

Formal Career:

1970-1975 - Tampa Hillsborough Public Library System (various branches) . I did NOT slough off work for coworkers, I only closed a library once, when the children waiting for the pool to open next door paid me a visit and knocked over five large library shelves, stole from my purse, and generally terrorized me. (My co-worker was arrested that morning for shoplifting, that's why she never showed.)

1975-1977 - Got married instead of committing to graduate school. Honestly thought marriage would save me from a lifetime of drudgery. (OK, I was REALLY NAIVE!!!) so my next career was with the Museum of York County, SC. I did NOT have any affairs with coworkers (although some strange people suspected me of this). I did get lost retrieving goats from Pineville one time. I got sent to West Chester State College to learn to be the Planetarium Director for the Museum. I had the BEST BOSS EVER, Chris Houmes, at the museum. If she wasn't there I wouldn't have lasted 6 months. Thanks, Chris!! I learned that I liked the non-poisonous snakes better than little rodents, as the little rodents always bit me, and the reptiles never did. (Although crossing the Catawba Bridge in sandles, with a small alligator on the floorboard on the passenger's side of the VW Beetle, always made me nervous. I did LOVE Timothy the Chinchilla. Petting him was like caressing a cloud. (How anyone could consider making such a lovely creature into a coat appalled me!)

1977-1983 - Charlotte Public Library System. OK, lets see what I did NOT do there. I did NOT contribute to the paranoia of a coworker that sent him over the edge. He got that way all by himself. I did NOT deliberately go to a retirement party at Belks for a coworker, then pay for, but miss my meal, running back as fast as I could, only to get back to the computer 15 minutes late to a boss who said, "Well, we wondered if you were ever coming back!" (Thanks, Carol). I admit to playing 21 questions with the typists, but still will not admit to missing any typos while I did so. I also admit to being, "The Mad Librarian." Jane Parker & Kitty Hughes, I have missed you greatly over the years.

Informal Career: (1972-1983)

I had a few other jobs. I was a shampoo girl in Charlotte, NC. An illegal one, but I did a good job and it bought the groceries. I was also a bartender at the Holiday Inn at Carowinds. It lasted until they thought I should wear a costume like some goldrush bimbo, at which I drew the line. I did a lot of construction work too: waterproofing, roofing, painting, etc. I worked a lot. I never sloughed off a job, nor did I steal, nor did I slack.

In 1983 I had my daughter, Liz. It snowed the day she was born.

Before I left the hospital with her, I knew I had find our escape.

Back in Brandon, in 1983, my beloved Brother In Law David, was working for the Tampa Tribune. He knew they had an opening coming up for an NIE coordinator, so I went for it.

I got the job and worked there from 1983-1985. I ran the High School Journalism Workshop and Spelling Bee, plus worked on some NIE textbooks. I won't say I never cursed out the Trib's computer system when it lost 22,000 correctly spelled words I had placed in the system. Everything was lost. I just started over. I LOVED my coworkers. Probably the best, most creative opportunity I ever had. I was allowed to do promo ads, slide shows, just, was free to be as creative as possible. (Thanks, Roger!) I did NOT take the job for granted and appreciated every opportunity they gave me. I do admit to overhearing a conversation in the ladies room, shortly after I started. It was about weight loss. I commented that I had lost over 160 pounds of ugly fat. The women exclaimed, You Didn't! HOW?? I simply replied, "I divorced him."

1985 - Present
I've worked for the City of Tampa, first, as the Franklin St. Mall Administrator (dealing with daily vendors, daily entertainment, and some special events) in the Franklin St. Mall district. What haven't I done in this position? I haven't cheated a soul. Have tried to give potential vendors honest advice, reserved a space - permanently - on Franklin St. for a vendor who will not be coming back, have dealt with zealots, bigots, pimps, and even the Klan. Have I caved? No. My philosophy is to treat everyone equal under the law. And that's how it's been. No special favors, no gifts, no presents, not nothing, not even a hot dog, because, I can't be bought, not that anyone would try. I would never accept even the appearance of it. I would like to believe I have the trust of my vendors that I've treated them the same. If not, I would like to hear from them. I've worked with promoters from all across the country and I believe they feel the same. I hold the same standards for everyone (unless, of course, I am told not to by my superiors). And that happens too.

I'm ready for a new challenge. I am accomplished at many things, just not avarice, distrustfulness, gossip, cruelty, meanness, faithlessness, lust, etc. I do think, though, in my current position, I am in danger of loosing my humanity. I really can't bear to hear about yet another "Good cause, non-profit, you know organization." I do favor cats over dogs, but, have an abiding interest in Cesar Milan.